Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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