I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
