She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
