just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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