Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
