I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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