Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
