She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
