i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
