New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize