You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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