the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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