i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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