I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize