you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
