I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
