the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found your dick twin last night
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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