i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
