she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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