I looked at my own cervix.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
