I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
