If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
