I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
