I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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