she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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