My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This house was built for laser tag.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize