I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
