I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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