I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
