Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
