I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
