just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I supernannyed him into submission
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
