i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
