Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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