just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
