Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
whose ass print is on the piano?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
