do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
