I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
