what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
