those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
