just tell him i said nine months
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
