I'm gonna have a badass scar
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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