so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
