she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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