Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
