i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
