Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
