i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize