I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
