This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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