If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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