All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
