I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
