If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
