I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
