He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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