We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
