Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
